Big and small

There is so much in my heart now, big and small aches, hopes, desires. I am lonely in places my friends cannot fill, I rarely feel it, but today, I do. I am demanding;  I am trying to choose otherwise, but sometimes I get too tired.

I am not always right, but

But sometimes, I don't think that matters as much as me trying to understand. It hurts when our conclusions are wrong, when we are wrong and when people see that. I get defensive, I hold strongly to my positions, because they are mine. That is something that I need to give up.

I may come to some wrong conclusions, but as long as I don't set them in stone, as long as they aren't the bedrock of my faith, there is grace. The bedrock of our faith must remain God -Father, Son, Spirit- but I have to think through things, pour water and see if they hold, build on them and see if they wobble, be willing to change my ideas. I have been wrong. I have been wrong often, and I've changed my mind and my story so many times I've lost count. But, as I've come to know Christ he shows me where I am tilting, where there is water leaking through, where I've tried to pour new wine into old wine skins. I am not a theologian, I do not have the answers. All I can do is try to understand, with my limited knowledge, in partnership with the Holy Spirit that is in me -and does know all things. We get glimpses, all of us, of God: his nature, his love for us, his joy in us, and his sadness and disappointment. What we do with those glimpses, well, that is another story.