Thursday, 21 February 2013

finding old words

I was going over my finished journal to glean any tidbits of poetry or knowledge before I pack it away, and I found some words I had written to myself, some words I think may not have been my words.

You have a choice Catherine, you can choose to be anxious or you can choose to trust God. This is not the last time you will be offered this choice, nor is it the first. You have failed and you will fail again, but you have also succeeded and you will succeed again.

You have known the kindness of God, continue to search it out. Search for the heart of God. Do not be afraid, know that God is good. He is justice and mercy, he is holy. He desires your heart more than you know, more that you imagine or are willing to believe.

Your heart is beautiful, it is created by God, known by Him, loved by Him. There is more right with your heart than you know, and it's not up to you to decide what is wrong with it. Trust God to shape it as He wishes. Do as He says. Trust that it will result in your good, even if you can't see it right away. Trust that you have His spirit in you, that you can hear Him. Listen to that small still voice inside you.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013


Some days I don't feel connected to my body at all. I feel like it's not mine, or like it is just a suit my self is wearing. That is not the truth. I want to learn to not only appreciate my form, which, mostly I do, but to actually feel like my body is mine, as in part of my whole self. I want to treat my body with as much respect as I treat my spirit or my soul, because after all, my body houses the Holy Spirit. I want to live in it with comfort and grace, to feel connected enough to be able to offer it as a sacrifice daily.

Some days I feel like all I am is breasts. And hips. This is also not true, but this is part of the problem. I try to take up less space, be less noticeable. I've spent so much time caring what other people thought of my body, worrying that I was showing too much or not enough, hating my body, learning to love my body, learning to not care, that in some ways I've just shut that connection down. I am not my body, because my body hurts people, causes people to lust, and I don't want to hurt people. I am not my body because you think it is ugly and I don't want to be ugly, or too sexy, or... That is not the truth. The truth is I am my body and I have to learn to live in it. Trying to distance myself from my breasts is not the answer. Letting somebody else determine what my appropriate body is cannot be part of the answer.