And it is Advent

I am waiting. so much in my life makes me anxious and I sometimes wonder if right on the other side of that is joy.

This needs a different title, any ideas?

Oh, Baba Yaga I love you

Chicken bone magic

Hidden hut in the forest

Grandmother Monster

Beware women who

walk in forests unafraid.

Advent Meditation: a ghazal

purposeful silence awaiting night

candles lit, gyring, spiralling light

small starts, specks of dust and breath misty

Mother Mary’s womb creating light

walking between faewilds and Christ

closest to God in the witching light

proclaim, proclaim, proclaim! come in

stillness, memory-carrying light

anxiety, embodied litany

catharsis, release, outpouring, light

Letting go

I am finishing a ten day cleanse today. It feels like a great accomplishment, and at the same time just the first step. I've been trying to let go of the idea that my body is something to be feared and to be more holistic in my approach to my body. By that I mean that my self is made up of both body and mind, and I'm working towards recognising that and living as though that were true.

bad poetry of sadness

Some days I cry easy and some days it's all I do,
but then there are dry weeks and months
all the sadness burns my throat, a desert
of tears.

Some weeks I drown
Some weeks I perish

Some weeks I am joyful.

In which I am distracted, or, writing a paper is like praying, kinda. Maybe I should just dance.

Dancing is most like praying, right?

Unless it is urgent, I get distracted. Even sometimes when it is.

on disconnecting

I feel the loss
of facebook less
than twitter

I want the quick and easy
expressivity.

Especially when attempting
to express grand
philosophical
ideas in a tiny format.

Palm Sunday Reflections

There is something so lovely about light

something unphotographable

so unwordable

something about the Word

made flesh

made light

and life

I will mark ash

I will wave palms

I will rejoice

that he is triumphant

that he is risen

that he will come

again

and I remember

whenever the light is lovely.

finding old words

I was going over my finished journal to glean any tidbits of poetry or knowledge before I pack it away, and I found some words I had written to myself, some words I think may not have been my words.

You have a choice Catherine, you can choose to be anxious or you can choose to trust God. This is not the last time you will be offered this choice, nor is it the first. You have failed and you will fail again, but you have also succeeded and you will succeed again.

You have known the kindness of God, continue to search it out. Search for the heart of God. Do not be afraid, know that God is good. He is justice and mercy, he is holy. He desires your heart more than you know, more that you imagine or are willing to believe.

Your heart is beautiful, it is created by God, known by Him, loved by Him. There is more right with your heart than you know, and it's not up to you to decide what is wrong with it. Trust God to shape it as He wishes. Do as He says. Trust that it will result in your good, even if you can't see it right away. Trust that you have His spirit in you, that you can hear Him. Listen to that small still voice inside you.

Body

Some days I don't feel connected to my body at all. I feel like it's not mine, or like it is just a suit my self is wearing. That is not the truth. I want to learn to not only appreciate my form, which, mostly I do, but to actually feel like my body is mine, as in part of my whole self. I want to treat my body with as much respect as I treat my spirit or my soul, because after all, my body houses the Holy Spirit. I want to live in it with comfort and grace, to feel connected enough to be able to offer it as a sacrifice daily.

Some days I feel like all I am is breasts. And hips. This is also not true, but this is part of the problem. I try to take up less space, be less noticeable. I've spent so much time caring what other people thought of my body, worrying that I was showing too much or not enough, hating my body, learning to love my body, learning to not care, that in some ways I've just shut that connection down. I am not my body, because my body hurts people, causes people to lust, and I don't want to hurt people. I am not my body because you think it is ugly and I don't want to be ugly, or too sexy, or... That is not the truth. The truth is I am my body and I have to learn to live in it. Trying to distance myself from my breasts is not the answer. Letting somebody else determine what my appropriate body is cannot be part of the answer.